After we had Arabella, we thought we had completed our family. I had such a rough labor and recovery with her, I never thought I could do it again. She was/is worth every single thing we have gone through since deciding to have kids, but we thought that was it. Then, everything changed. On April 14th, 2016, we found out I was pregnant and that our baby had passed away at 8 weeks, 3 days old. To put things in perspective, Arabella was 9 months old at the time. We had our hands full and were not planning on ever having more kids. I was breastfeeding and on the birth control pill safe for breastfeeding mothers. I was nauseous for two weeks before deciding to go to the doctor. When I found out that I was pregnant, instantly I thought, “Oh my God. What am I going to do? There’s no way I can be pregnant and take care of another baby right now. I’m just learning how to take care of the baby I have”. During the ultrasound, I watched a teeny tiny little baby lay there lifelessly and when my doctor told me the news, I had never felt so guilty. Guilty for how I initially reacted to the news that I was pregnant and guilty that I didn’t know I was pregnant and taking better care of myself. I was filled with so many crazy emotions. I didn’t want to upset Josh while he was working so I waited until he got home to tell him the news. I was so nervous to tell him and almost felt guilty, spitting the words out. Instantly I cried and he just held me. Although we did not want more children at the time, the reality was, we made a baby and it was our little baby that had died. It was heartbreaking. For both of us. Miscarrying a child and going through the process is terrible. It is both emotionally and physically painful. I feel so much for other moms who have to go through this.
After physically recovering from the miscarriage, so much weighed on me mentally and emotionally. I felt so sad for other mothers and couples who try so hard to get pregnant and pray religiously for a baby and are met with such heartbreak. I thought, this came out of nowhere for us, we didn’t plan it and we definitely didn’t expect it, so for those who try so hard, I couldn’t imagine their pain. The pain brought on different emotions for me. For one, I did not want to share the experience with anyone because I did not want people to feel bad for me because I felt like it would take away from those who try so hard to have a baby and suffer loss. After keeping this to ourselves for so long, I realized this baby deserved to be talked about. That it’s okay. I don’t need to be ashamed. That this baby is apart of our family and they changed us. And that’s exactly why I am sharing this story with all of you. After suffering our loss, Josh and I started talking about whether or not our family really was complete. We decided to think about it for awhile. After Arabella’s first birthday, we really thought that a second baby might be the perfect addition to our family, but we weren’t sure when the right time would be. In October 2016, we finally decided we were ready to start trying. I stopped taking my birth control and four days later, I got pregnant. Initially, our doctor thought we were pregnant with twins.
After going through this experience, we realized that even though we thought we would never have more children, God knew that wasn’t our plan. God knew our hearts needed this little boy, and He was right because Little Josh completes us. We could never imagine our life without him. We will always cherish the baby we lost, and honor the fact that he/she inspired us to grow our family.
I often think about the baby we lost and wonder if it was a boy or a girl, I wonder what they would have looked like, who they would have become…and right when I get so emotional, I remember baby LJ would not be here without the loss of that baby. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and in a bittersweet way, I am grateful. I know that I was meant to be this little boy’s mama.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I am happy that we are no longer silently grieving the loss of our baby and I encourage other families going through similar situations to not feel like they have to either. If you are struggling with the loss of a child, and need help, click here to visit the Infant Loss Organization, M.E.N.D. for resources. You’re never alone. XOXO.